its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
