i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
