We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
