wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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