i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
