dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
