you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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