I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
