Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
