I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
