Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program