I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
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