I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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