The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
this is an emotional support booty call
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
