I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
