drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
