Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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