He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Is Oprah even human
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
