Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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