P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
