I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
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