Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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