just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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