Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
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