the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
