I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Randomize
