you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
