I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
