By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
