Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
he fucked my hip out of place.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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