Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
