"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I cockslap morals
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
