It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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