pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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