I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
