i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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