OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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