when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
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I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
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She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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