Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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