just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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