Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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