Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
