What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
