I think I died a long time ago.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
God, I missed his penis.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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