Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
