Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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