these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Randomize
