Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
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cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
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I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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