I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
