tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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