i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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