Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
