why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
