I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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