I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
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