Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I know her cup size but not her name....
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