Whatcha textin bout Willis?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
What drink are we having for lunch?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Randomize
