this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
