and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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